Remembering Me
by Pooka da Chao
Summary: Sirius knows something is wrong, but he can't seem to place it. James knows, but he can't say. Sirius narrates through his journey of post-OotP to remember everything he is and was. (PG-13 for language and up-coming violence)
1. To die, to sleep

It was just another day in my life. Just like any other.

When I woke up, I did what I always do. I ran over to James' bed and I made sure he was well and truly awake, by jumping on the lump under the covers. Then I got dressed, because I'm always hungry when I wake up and I plan on getting to the Great Hall in time to enjoy every bit of food I can.

Everything seemed normal…Why would I think anything was wrong?

It happened in Transfigurations. Professor McGonagall knew I was an Animagus. She made James and I demonstrate it to the class. Something…was terribly off.

"James," I whispered, as we stood in front of the class. "Does anything seem…I don't know, 'off' to you?"

James looked over the rims of his glasses, a small knowing smirk on his lips. I can't stand it when he does that, and I feel very left out when he does. "All you need to do is remember, Sirius, and the illusion will fade."

Remember? What illusion?

Well, for the rest of the day, I tried to remember. I tried to remember why this was strange. I tried to remember anything. All I came up with was a name, "Harry?"

Later in the dorms, while James lay on his bed reading some magazine or another about Quidditch, he answered me, "You know who he is, Sirius. Don't be an idiot."

"I-is he related to you?" I asked tentatively.

"Yes." Simple. Short. I wish he'd just tell me.

Maybe Remus would know. I took a moment to glance around the dorms. A blurred form sat on Remus' bed, muffled explanations of History of Magic being doled out onto the more rotund blurred form across from him.

Come to think of it, I couldn't remember actually looking at Remus and seeing him for quite sometime. A glance down at one of my hands brought me to the conclusion that I too was blurry.

"James?" I would ask one more time. Always one more time. I had to know what was it that was happening around here.

"Yes, Sirius?"

"What's wrong with Remus and Peter and me?"

"Nothing at all, Sirius. All you have to do is remember and you won't be like that anymore. Remus and Peter will be like that for a long time yet…Don't you remember yet?"

Remus. I try to remember his face. The gentle curves when the moon was dark and new, and the sharp angles closer to the full moon. I tried to remember how his grey eyes lit up with joy at every new book, and how he could admonish James and me with a look.

_Teeth were clenched, grey eyes gleaming with a shining light that foretold of tears to come. Face was stretched taut with pain, though nothing physical that I could see. His arms were wrapped tightly around the screaming form of a boy, messy haired and green eyed. And as the tears finally fell down his cheeks he screamed, one incessant emotion-filled cry._

"James…" He is my only solid point right now. I can't stop myself as I break down into sobs. I don't like that thought…Was it a memory? Burning tears unfurl in my throat, run down my cheeks and tear at my heart. Why was it so painful?

James wraps an arm around me, shushing me quietly, rocking slightly. "You are starting to remember. It is always the most emotional memories that come first."

"I miss them, James! I need to see them…I need to be with them…" These thoughts all occurred in succession, but I could not place these needs back to anything in particular, but rather just needs deeply rooted.

"I know, Sirius. But you can't be with them until you remember what happened!" Did James, too, seem on the verge of tears? Pain stained his voice, his fingers tightening on my arms with his frustration.

Frustration with me. I wish I knew why. But I have my first memory.


	2. To sleep: perchance to dream

Disclaimer: All characters, even the fuzzy ones, belong to J.K.Rowling. I'm just baby-sitting.

Author's notes: Yep. I'm chaptering another one. Hopefully I will get this done before I go back to school. I can't seem to write very well there. Anywho. Forgot the disclaimer on the first chapter, though I'm sure you all know whose characters these are. Sorry about that Miss Goddess-person Rowling...i love you...

* * *

Every morning now, I awake with a particular feeling. I awake knowing that something isn't right and I should know how to fix it. James is especially frustrating with his useless attempts to make me remember. (Being called an idiot so much before this has made me immune to its affects now.)

I stopped going to class. It doesn't seem to matter one way or another. James doesn't go either, and he seems particularly nonchalant about it.

As we were walking through the grounds of Hogwarts on a quiet afternoon, people peering at us through the windows, with little reaction, I finally asked my questions. "Where are we? This obviously isn't the Hogwarts I remember. I mean, you couldn't see the Shrieking Shack from this far away, and the Whomping Willow is gone…and…and…we're like the only two here!"

James stopped, hands folded behind him, gaze steady on the too-green-grass. "I think, there is someone else here…Several someones you should talk with, Sirius. I'm apparently not doing my job as well as I had hoped." Lifting his eyes, he smiled softly, "Go to the Great Hall, Sirius. I'll see you in a few hours. I have a job to do anyhow."

Glancing back over my shoulder, I started to ask, "Why?" When I had fully turned back, there was not even a footprint where James had been.

The trek to the Great Hall barely took five minutes, a personal best for me. Stepping into the Great Hall, I found myself inundated with the decorations. A half decorated Christmas tree in the corner, pumpkins along one of the tables and Easter eggs lining another. Of course, the decorations weren't the only thing I saw.

For the first time since…Well, I couldn't quite tell you, I saw someone. My heart leapt at the sight of a solid form, though my stomach twisted in evil knots when I saw who. "Regulus."

My younger brother smiled pleasantly, something I'd had yet to see ever from him. "Hallo, Sirius. It looks as if you are adapting well-enough. Though James says you are having issues with understanding."

It is strange, but the brother I'd always thought of as younger was taller than I. And wearing glasses. I never quite remembered his dream-eyed gaze hidden by such things.

…And wasn't he supposed to be dead?

"You are…alive," I comment absent-mindedly.

He chuckles and nods, not in the least to my statement. "I see what James was saying."

"What the hell is going on Regulus?"

"Um…Well, you see, brother dearest that is for you to figure out. I, and James, obviously, am merely a guide."

"You are horrible at it, you know. The damn both of you." I might have continued insulting had another memory not leapt into my mind.

_James, Remus and I sat around a table, content in front of the crackling fire. Warmth spread over us like a suffocating quilt, that is, if suffocation was ever a good thing. Butterbeers in hand, we needn't have a thing else._

_Quite abruptly, a cold breeze blew the quilt away, causing us all to yelp in anger and surprise. Peter waddled over to us, wrapped in far too much clothing. Promptly, he began stripping off said useless clothing while breathlessly telling of my brother's demise. He acted as if I should be happy…glad. _

_Tears had stung my eyes as I had announced, "It's about time."_

Regulus held me by my elbows, looking down at me with some concern. "I told you we were only guides. We cannot make the journey; we can only help you through it."

"But you're dead!"

"But it was 'about time,' was it not?" he asked quietly. Pain filled his voice, as James' had yet to do. I wasn't even aware my brother had this ability.

"No. No," I said, shaking my head, frustrated. "No, you were too young. You had too much to live for. You were too…Godric, you are my brother."

Regulus smiled again, the pain cleared from his voice, "James should be along any moment now. We shall walk with him, shall we?"

A slow nod. What else could I offer? Hands were shoved into my pockets, fingers tracing over two smooth globes. Withdrawing these from my pockets, I found them to be like clear marbles, inside of which both of my newly discovered memories played.

I guess this was only conformation that I had two Memories, and only the rest of me to find.


	3. For in that sleep of death what dreams m...

Disclaimer: JKRowling's Characters, and you and I both know it.

Author's notes: Well...Heh...Sorry 'bout that. I've been meaning to update it, just haven't gotten around to it. Anywho...Godric, Salazar, Rowena and Helga. ::nod:: And the song Lily sings...part of a song I'm writing. It sounds better when sung.

* * *

Regulus and I didn't find James for some time. For most of that time, we walked in silence, watching the ground stretch beneath our feet. Strangely, we didn't seem to be getting anywhere quickly, no matter which direction we turned.

"I used to hate you, Sirius," Regulus announced abruptly. "I hated you until it ate me up, and I was no longer me. I hated you for so many reasons, which are so irrelevant and seem so inadequate for the situations that were presented to me."

I couldn't remember Regulus ever being this smart. He never said big words. He was always the one floundering in school. "Why did you hate me?"

"You were perfect, dearest brother."

"No one is perfect, Reggie." I reach out and touch his hand, meant to be comforting, though he had little reaction to it.

"You had the grades, the girls, the friends, the athletic ability, which you never used, I thought, quite up to your potential; you had everything I wanted, and you were brave enough to get it." A sorrow crept into his voice, though he smiled softly to me. "You will have to be careful here, of course. I seem to have brought my demon with me. Avoid being alone, brother."

"You had mother's approval, a place in the family, a place in society already cut out perfect for you…" I started counting off all the things I'd left behind when I'd run away at sixteen, and even before.

"Those things are worthless, when you are alone, Sirius," he murmured, interrupting me gently.

"You were never al-" I stop myself this time. Staring up at my little brother, I think of all the times I'd seen him in school: always alone in a crowd of Slytherins, always staring at me with some sort of longing that I could never figure out.

"You see, brother, Slytherins don't make friends, they make allies."

I nod dumbly. I know that.

Silence again covers our beings like a down quilt, suffocatingly pressing. Our footsteps echoed softly, which didn't seem quite right in my mind. Somehow, though, it seemed strange to ask about echoing feet in the middle of the…corridor?

I could've sworn we were walking on the grounds.

After a quick glance around, and one up, my eyes caught on James, leaning into the wall. "Trying to look suave, James? You're doing a horrible job, you know," I said with a grin.

He returned the grin. "Coming back to yourself, are you?"

Regulus shook his head. "Perhaps he simply does not wish to remember."

James tilted his head to one side, "Is that true, Paddy?"

Did I not wish to remember? Was there some part of me holding back the memories from myself? No. I wanted to know who I was. That much I decided firmly.

_His limp hand fell away from his cold corpse. The wand stayed in his loose fingers however. "You-you…" I sobbed softly. "You bastard. You said you'd die with your boots on, remember? Godric damnit. You succeeded. You succeeded."_

_The corpse was cold. And I heard my impending doom come in the form of other voices. I had to leave…run…but…James was dead?_

I gasped, managing only to look up at Regulus and James before my vision faded. The background of Hogwarts shimmered and dissipated, leaving only two shining orbs that were my brother and best friend.

_"Harry?" I asked quietly. The green-eyed boy looked up to me. "We'll go to Diagon Alley someday. Just you and me. Whaddaya say?"_

_A small curvature of his lips. He liked the idea._

Another few breaths, as sweat pored off my skin. A scream wrestled its way from my lips before the next one overtook me.

_There he was. That was my godson. The thin form sat on his trunk and I couldn't tell if he was crying or just angry. A great snuffle of my nose told me he was scared, and frustrated and so many other emotions. I heard myself whine and quickly took in a great huff of breath as if it would quiet me._

_He looked behind himself. Undoubtedly, he saw little but my eyes. Then the Knight Bus came and turned his attention away from me, which gave me enough time to turn tail._

"This is too much at once!" I heard James scream.

"Then how do we stop it?" Regulus yelped.

_"Sweeet sunshine…sweeeet storm…Forever mine, or nevermore…" Lily's soft voice rang out above the silence of the common room. I sat at the top of the stairs, listening._

_"Sing it again, Tiger Lily…Just once more?" James whined like a child to his mother._

_Lily started her song again, and suddenly my eyes were hot with tears. But boys don't cry, and I wasn't going to. I got to my feet slowly, intending to go back to bed, but suddenly found myself at the foot of the stairs. James and Lily were peering at me as if I were invading._

_Everyone's allowed in the common room. I was just going to exercise that. I flopped down in front of the fire, glaring at the dancing flames._

_"Sirius…" James growled._

_"I think I'm going to go to bed, Jamie," Lily said with a fake yawn. "I'm awfully tired and I've got some more homework to do anyhow." With that, she crept away._

_"Blessed Rowena, Sirius! You knew I'd be spending time with her!" James snarled, leaping out of his seat as soon as she'd gone from the vicinity._

_I mimicked him…poorly and then glared as if that would get my point across._

_"Stop being an ass and tell me what's on your mind…" James sighed as he fell into the seat beside me._

_"I don't want you to like her better than you like me," I murmured earnestly. Silence reigned. James stared at me, and I stared at the fire. I don't think he knew what to say._

I lay on a cold stone floor, gasping for breath. I needed to know I still existed somewhere in all of this mess of past and present. I sent a groping hand to examine what I was. I found my pocket, brimming with small spheres. At least I got something out of this.

Catching my breath, I finally opened my eyes to find nothingness.

Hogwarts, James, Regulus, our mysterious echoing corridor…they were all gone. All that was there was my marbles, me, emptiness and a flowing black veil. Slowly, I worked myself to my feet, finding a heaviness that never seemed to be there before.

Gasping, I took in a few breaths before deciding I didn't need the air anyhow. Strangely, I didn't feel a need to breath after that.

A few staggering steps brought me to the fluttering shroud. A hand met the pocket of brimming memories, at the same time a whisper of a hiss sounded from behind me. At the same time, an unfamiliar, yet horribly familiar hand appeared to grab at my sleeve.

"Who's th-? Godric, Salazar, Rowena and Helga, _save_ me," I heard someone, whom I suspect to be me, whimper.


	4. When we have shuffled off this mortal co...

Disclaimer: Characters and places are property of JKRowling.

Author's notes: Eek! Look how long I've gone without updating! I'm sorry folks. After getting three feet of snow and then having it for three days, it melted in one day and washed out my DSL line at home. (gr!) I never wrote another chapter on that computer because I thought it was silly to write it and not post it…heh. Stupid me. Anywho, I will be writing more, no worries!

**Versipellis**: I know, I know, I should get back to Blue's Moony. I'll probably start writing that again soon; it was a good stress reliever. And I might have to find this story you speak of…unless you have link?

**Reaka**: Because I'm evil like that. x3

* * *

"_You will have to be careful here, of cours__e. I seem to have brought my demon with me. Avoid being alone, brother."_

Darkness surrounded me, followed by a fierce cold that encircled me. I gasped at the sight of Regulus. His hair disheveled and clothes unkempt. He was different from the other Regulus: shorter, younger, eyes devoid of the glasses. He smiled in a way that made me cringe.

"Regulus…?" I asked quietly, in hopes of bringing my newfound brother back, not this version I knew too well.

The eyes seemed to light up when I said his name, the grin curling more. "Something like that. But then you would know, wouldn't you? You're one of the few people who would…Because I'm only the _brother_ of the great and magnificent Sirius Black…" The grin had faded, eyes glaring up at me. "No one cares about his silly little brother, because he did what Mummy wanted. NO! All anyone ever cared about was you, Sirius. Mum loved me better! I did what she wanted!"

I stared at the boy at my sleeve, a slow dawning coming over me. The memory came without half the effort the rest of my memories had.

_Regulus stared dully at me. I knew something was wrong, had been wrong for quite some time. He'd never displayed it so readily though, as he did now. He rocked lightly as he murmured softly, "Yes, Mum…Anything you want, Mum…" The gaze seemed to suddenly fill with recognition. "BLOOD-TRAITOR! FOUL MUDBLOOD LOVER!"_

_I heard nothing more of it as I fled._

"Regulus, please…" I murmured in the wake of the memory.

He stared at me. "Please, what?"

"Please remember what we had before Mum got between us…" My throat was dry, looking upon the boy who'd been my brother but now was no more than a demon.

"A façade! It was all to con me into thinking your _evil_ ideas about equality!"

"THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING!" I yelled at the top of my lungs. My brother wasn't always this bad. I knew he wasn't.

"_Fourteen…twenty-five…forty-two…three…two…one! I'm gonna getcha this time, Sir'us!" Regulus giggled as he turned from facing the wall._

_From my vantage point, I could look down upon him with out him seeing me. "Nuh-uh! You won't ever find me!"_

_He waddled up the stairs, as most two-year old do with their unsteady legs beneath them. "I'm gonna getcha, Sir'us. I know where you are!" he giggled as if he were privy to a particularly juicy secret._

_When he found me, nothing too hard considering I was just barely out of view from downstairs, but clearly visible upstairs, he tackled me with all the might a toddler could muster. "I foundja, Sir'us! Now i's my turn!"_

"You never loved me…" Regulus sobbed somewhere. "Mum told me you didn't."

"You were my brother, and I couldn't not love you, Reggie. You knew what we had to endure, and you knew how I felt most of the time. It was your own choice, you know…You could've been in Gryffindor with me…"

"_SLYTHERIN!" the hat shouted, and a soft cheer went up at the Slytherin table…for my little brother. He was MINE, not theirs. Why must they already treat him as one of theirs? _

_Bellatrix glanced over at me, grinning wickedly. "HOW ADORABLE!" I shouted, before I could stop myself. "ANOTHER _BLACK_ SHEEP!" Remus and James tugged me back to my seat, both boys staring at me as if I'd grown another head._

_Slowly, I wiped the tears from my eyes and realized I'd never have a little brother to call my own ever again._

"Never have a little brother again…?" he whispered softly.

When I opened my eyes, a small bag of marbles sat where my disheveled brother had stood. Diminutive wisps of smoke flew in opposing directions, dissipating into the nonexistent atmosphere.

xxx

James and Regulus stood over me, silently. Between them, a conversation brewed, one that was of gestures and glances, but no words passed their lips.


	5. Must give us pause

Disclaimer: Characters and situations (especially the one memory) belong to JKRowling. I claim no ownership of them.

Author's Notes: I live. I die. I live again.

* * *

"My demon, Sirius…" Regulus glanced down at me, offering a hand up. "My demon…I'm so sorry, Sirius. I really am…I don't…" Regulus broke off, still and silent. A forlorn look fell across his face, the eyes clouding over with a broken look.

James watched Regulus a moment, before reaching a hand between them to squeeze the other man's shoulder. Regulus didn't respond…he just faded.

Mouth gaping in wonder, I was caught by surprise with James finally talked aloud. "He feels guilty whenever his 'demon' finds one of us. He can't help it, but he blames himself for it."

"He disappeared…"

"Only a little longer," which seemed directed only towards himself. "Sirius, I know you better than this. Stop being an idiot and REALISE!"

"You know the term idiot has very little affect on me anymore, Prongs…" I mumble. It wasn't the fact he'd referred to me as an idiot that made me feel guilty; guilty that I should know what was going on and all other such nonsense.

"James…" a familiar feminine voice whispered down the corridor. The even more familiar figure of Lily Evans stepped into view. Her hair was, as always, as bright as flames and eyes as crystalline as emeralds. "Sirius!" she exclaimed softly as she saw me. And to James, "Already?"

James nodded, looking a bit defeated.

"But Harry!" Lily whimpered softly.

"Harry…" I found myself mouthing the name while a soft conversation started between Lily and James.

_"What- live with you?" Harry said. "Leave the Dursleys?"_

_"Of course, I thought you wouldn't want to," Sirius said quickly. "I understand, I just thought I'd-"_

_"Are you insane?" Harry asked, his voice cracking. Sirius felt a smile creep up on his lips, one he hadn't beheld in twelve years. Harry was talking too quickly for Sirius to keep up, but he got the general idea and went with it._

"I know who Harry is!" I announced hoarsely. "I know him. My godson…Godric…Godric. I left him. I left him alone!" I don't know why this moves me to tears. I don't know why I abandoned him. I just know I did. I don't think it was intentional though.

Lily is weeping, she never could cry. Her graceful fingers wipe away gently flowing tears, as she turns to embrace me. Holding me tightly, she whispers, "Oh Sirius. Come back to us, completely. My baby boy needs all of us to survive."

I want to hate her. I always have, but have never been able to. She stole my best friend. And she became the knot that tied our raggle-taggle family together. "Lily, oh, Lily…Tell me. Please tell me…" I cry into her shoulder, and she just holds me and hums.

"I can't tell you anything, Sirius, I'm sorry."

_"A-and…they just don't care! They only see themselves. Blessed Rowena, Remus, can't they see they have fucking friends they're ignoring."_

_"I didn't know fucking was involved, Sirius," Remus quips back at me._

_I pretend not to hear. "All they do all day is flounce around and giggle and act like a couple of love-sick puppies. It's positively disturbing!"_

_"Not that they could be in love or anything," Remus interrupts, sarcasm heavy in his words._

_"I mean what about us…?" I sighed miserably, flopping beside Remus._

_"Yes," Remus said quietly, golden eyes peering at me while he slid his hand into mine. "What about us?"_

The blurred form of Remus is standing beside me when I return to myself. Lily and James are conversing as James had been with Regulus. "Remus…" I whisper.

Blurred Remus smiles, but is silent.

"I miss you."

Blurred Remus dissipates.

"Prongs, you ass. You couldn't just tell me, could you?" I grumble, good-naturedly, as I turn to face the couple. "All I want is a bit of bloody information about what in the name of all things magic is going on, and you lead me on a mental scavenger hunt."

James stares a moment, confused.

"I wish…" I say quietly, as I lean against the sill of a window. "I wish you'd just told me I was dead."

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Author's Notes: DunDunDun! Haha. Um. There will be more. Then I'll finish Blue's Moony. Then I've got a Regulus Story coming up. Whee-hoo:love to all still loyal: 


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